Seriously, how can anyone not love dogs? I think that my love of dogs started when I was a little girl. My mom bought me this small, stuffed german shepard that I, for some reason, named Cruiser. I took that damned stuffed dog with me everywhere I was allowed to. Now, small dogs are alright, and there are even some that I like a lot – but BIG dogs, like huskies and pit bulls, are what I love the most. For me there is nothing better than cuddling with a big, warm dog that loves you more than anything else in the world. Freud would tell me that the unconditional and excessive love that I receive from my dogs is likely a replacement for unconditional love that I missed as a child but, meh? Puppies!!!
Music
Music has always been important to me. Putting on a song that I love can change my entire day. My tastes have changed over the years. During the 90’s I was an alt-rock fool. I loved grunge and metal as well. I still do! There are many bands that I am still really passionate about that I listened to when I was 16. Counting Crows, Type O Negative, Pantera, Pearl Jam? All still great in my book. There are some that I listened to back then that are... questionable to say the least (Sarah, if you read this, I officially apologize for all of the Limp Bizkit and ICP), but at the time they did… something for me. Though, what ICP did for me I couldn’t say. I am happy to say that I did not do the Juggalo thing. I resisted! Praise Bob!
I am currently going through what my husband calls my “Lillith Fair” phase. That’s fair, I suppose. Mostly I listen to Fiona Apple, Florence and the Machine, Amy Winehouse (I was late on her, but when I heard her sing “What kind of fuckery is this” I knew she was for me), The Cranberries, Stevie Nicks, Regina Spektor, Tori Amos (“So you can make me cum that doesn't make you Jesus” – yeeeees!); yeah, that kind of thing.
Art
In college I took a couple of art appreciation classes, and they introduced me to a lot of the masters. I was always somewhat aware of them, but the town that I grew up in? Not a lot of great art; certainly nothing on par with what you might find in galleries in big cities like New York. I do recall seeing an O’Keefe at the local gallery once, but it was so crowded around that it made it difficult to really enjoy it. Thanks to the wonders of the Interwebs anyone can enjoy art anytime. You can go to the MET website and explore pieces *almost* like you were actually there. I say almost because it’s truly not the same unless you see it in person. My goal is to see Starry Nights before I die. Yeah, I know it’s like, one of the most popular paintings ever, but I still love it.
The Hallucinogenic Toreador
From the Dali Museum Website
My life and my appreciation for art really changed when I came here to St. Pete the first time on vacation. My husband (then boyfriend) took my friend and I took the Dali museum. No matter what you say about Dali’s circus-like antics, his art is amazing. I stood beneath The Hallucinogenic Toreador and The Ecumenical Council breathlessly, trying to grasp the vastness of them and what they mean. Every piece of art that I walked by I heard myself helplessly whisper “wow.” When we left I was nearly speechless. I couldn't absorb it all, but I loved it. It changed me, for the better.
RPG’s
Awwww!
I love the escapism that RPG’s supply. I played D&D with my brother and cousin when I was younger, then Vampire: the Masquerade when I was a teenager. These days I go along with my husband and play an rpg at his best friend’s house. I have a lot of fun with it, though it is not really the type of rpg that I enjoy. My favorite video games are obviously rpg’s – as per my Mass Effect/Dragon Age posts. I love rpg’s so much that one of the best Valentine’s Day gift that my husband bought me was something by a company called Book By You. They make romance novels in which you fill in the personal details – everything from the names to the color hair, eyes, and body types of the characters. He put us (and friends of ours that will remained un-named) in a medieval romance novel! Okay, so not quite an rpg – but it provides the same amount of escapism.
Beauty products
Bath fizzies, shower gels, mud masks, makeup and hair products – ugh, I am the worst. My bathrooms growing up often looked like they were supplied by Bath and Body Works (Cucumber Melon was my jam!). These days my obsession is with make-up. I have always loved stuffing my Caboodle with makeup, but a few years ago I was (re)introduced to Urban Decay and it has never been the same. I have…10? 12? eyeshadow pallets. No one, outside of the cosmetics industry, needs that much eyeshadow. That is not counting the loose single eyeshadows that I have. Ugh, consumerism. It’s kind of gross, truly.
Well, that’s five of my passions. I have many others, including Nag Champa incense, New York style cheesecake, and discovering The Wilhelm Scream in movies – but these were the five I could justify the easiest.
On Valentine’s Day the SO and I sat down and watched a couple of movies between doing all of the things that couples traditionally do on that day – a meal out, the gift exchange, and the inevitable (albeit brief) bickering over some trivial thing. One was The Theory of Everything which was spectacular. I cried. I was inspired. I was excited to vaguely comprehend the very dumbed-down parts of what Hawking’s character was talking about throughout the film. But that is a more “serious” movie review, and today I just don’t feel like doing serious. No, today I feel like talking about our second film, Guardians of the Galaxy.
Now, as I have mentioned before, I am not really a comic book or superhero nerd. My SO is; he really enjoys them more than a man his age honestly should. X-Men the Animated Series in the mid-90’s was my jam, but that’s about as far as my comic book-type nerdery goes. You want to talk The Phoenix Saga, I’m your girl. The rest of it? Not really my expertise. I mean, I get it; but it’s not me. I do enjoy watching superhero movies. Once. I enjoy the hell out of them that first time. I mean, superhero movies are full of nerdery and (typically) pretty beefy-hot guys. Watch Hugh Jackman as Wolverine? You have my attention. The re-watch value for them is a little “meh” for me as most of these films have a lot of action and it just kind of starts to all bleed together to me, honestly.
I also really appreciate (and am a little intimidated by) how vast the Marvel Universe is these days. The way the shows and movies all cross into one another is really impressive and exciting. I have no idea how they keep it all together. I think that I would have to be a really devoted member of the fandom to appreciate how complex it is. With all of that said… whuuuuuuut?! Guardians of the Galaxy was fucking GREAT! I could re-watch it, like, right now. Here is, I think, what made this movie work so well for me:
This movie was more comedy than anything else, in my opinion. It was like, really well-themed comedy. This was not, by any means, high-brow comedy. As one would expect, it was a variety of toilet and slap-stick humor – which to my very unsophisticated sensibilities was just fine. Although all of the characters were amazing, the movie could have starred Rocket Raccoon and been perfect. Hilarious. There is this sense about the movie of, “Yeah, this is going to kind of silly; we’re embracing that.” I like that. I like that they looked at the characters of this movie and decided that they needed to go “silly” with it. There’s a respectable honesty about that.
Aside from the hero, who is (mostly?) human, the characters are all kind of…unique? Even for a superhero movie. An incredibly muscular “walking thesaurus”; a vixeny alien warrior; a tree-person who seems to only have one phrase in its vocabulary; and a snarky, talking raccoon? I have certainly never seen that combination before in…anything? The movie technically had five heroes, and I think that they did a good job of developing each of them to varying degrees. Five is a lot for one movie, but it never felt crowded to me.
I enjoyed that, for me, the actors that I was the most familiar with were either not a main character or they were not visibly on screen. Benicio Del Toro, Glenn Close, John C. Reilly, and Michael Rooker all had smaller parts, and it was nice to see them, but they didn’t take over their scenes. With the exception of Michael Rooker, perhaps – he really stood out. Vin Diesel would certainly have been commanding of the screen in person, but as a tree? There’s room for everyone else. By the way – WTF could have been in his head when he read for this part? Fun, easy money for Vin I suppose! Bradley Cooper, who I am used to seeing onscreen as “the star” would have taken away from Pratt’s performance has he been visible on-screen in all of his goofy glory. Rocket Raccoon is easily one of the most likeable characters in the movie. By the way, who the hell is this Chris Pratt guy? The only time I have heard his name before this is maybe in some tabloid. Wasn’t he on one of those horrible MTV reality shows? IMDB says that I have seen him in a few things – Her, Moneyball…..ooooooooooh he’s that guy on Parks and Rec. Well, in any case, he is golden. He’s fun to watch and really charismatic. He does it for me! And now that I have perused his IMDB I am not too ashamed to say it. I actually look forward to seeing him in more. He’s rumored to be the next Indiana Jones…interesting! Also, Zoe Saldana was there. Gorgeous, clever, and just the right amount of relatable. I have actually not seen Avatar (gasp!), but I suspect that she is the best thing about it. Really great leading lady.
So, don’t get me wrong here, I am under no illusions. This movie is, primarily, an action-type movie. I’m okay with that! As I said, I can watch an action flick every once in a while. When all of the explosions and the scene after scene of hand-to-hand fights start I tend to drift off, but when the story proceeds I am with it again. This movie had a couple of “drift off” spots for me, but they were pretty quick and they incorporated humor into them. For example, at one point Groot is thoroughly thrashing a while line of bad guys really violently, but when he’s done he suddenly turn to the camera with the most insane smile on his face – that made me giggle.
That soundtrack!
I mean – Bowie, Jackson 5, The Runaways? Truly an “Awesome Mix!” The best fight scene in the movie? Set to Cherry Bomb – awesome! What made me love this so much is that the soundtrack was essentially a mixtape that Quill’s mother gave him. I could relate to this FULLY because this is all music that my mom loved. The music in this movie stimulated some really good memories for me. Two days later and I’m still humming Come and Get Your Love. Also, making a mixtape for your kid to listen to full of music that you think is great is something that I would actually do. Beware unlikely but possible children of mine.
So in closing, if your even somewhat into this type of movie if you have an immature sense of humor (like me!), and you haven’t seen this flick yet – do yourself a favor a give it a watch! You won’t be sorry.
One of my many reasons that I have not been posting regularly on my blog is Dragon Age Inquisition. I am finally at the point where, four or five complete play-trough’s later, I can take a breath and talk about my experience with this game. Much of what I will say, I am sure, has already been said by gamers that are far superior than I. Regardless of that, here are my two-cents!
Like the previous installments of Dragon Age, Inquisition allows you to really customize your character’s appearance. Like Origins, you have the choice of male or female human, elf, or dwarf; plus in Inquisition you have the option of playing a qunari – the long-horned villains of part two of DA II. As far as looks go the facial customization is insane. I likened it to making a later-version SIM. The hair options are the same for a male or female character, and they were (as always) quite limited on longer hairstyles. There is no body customization, though you can get some pretty impressive options out of the armor crafting. Each major piece of armor that you craft can be customized by material used, and each different material has a varying texture and color.
There is some minor customization of your character’s voice (two choices) which is a relief as, in my opinion, one of the female voice actors is really awkward. The only place that character creation kind of let me down was the pc’s backstory – you really have no choice in this. The backstory is based on your character’s race, and a couple of them were a little...meh to me. The elf, who is Dalish, was sent there by her keeper to spy on the (shem) gathering. It seemed unlikely to me, but throughout the course of the game the backstory was elaborated on (a little). I enjoyed the way Origins handled the backstory – allowing you to play through a bit of it and allowing you to choose a little more about your character’s background. For example, if you were an elf in Origins, you could choose to be a city-dwelling elf or to be a Dalish elf. In Inquisition, you are Dalish.
Overall however, I would say that the good parts of character creation blew me away so much that I really did not mind the more lacking parts. One of my favorite parts of games like this is always character creation, and Inquisition did not let me down!
People like to compare the world size of this game to Skyrim, but they are quite different. In Skyrim you have this massive, mostly seamless open world. In Inquisition you have several massive (and some smaller) maps to explore in different regions in the world. While Skyrim focuses on one region of the world, Inquisition explores many very different regions. Skyrim takes place in a frozen tundra region; Inquisition is spread out over many different areas – deep forests, deserts, canyons, swamps, plains, and yes; there is a snowy map. Every map was stunning. Every map was stuffed with side-quests and off the beaten path things to do. There is only one map that really felt oppressively large and maybe a little boring between major stops on the map - The Hissing Wastes. The Wastes are desolate desert and it is understandable that there is a LOT of sand and nothingness. There are still many things to do on the map and it has a beauty of its own. The borders of the maps are not obvious. You will not run into an invisible net that you should be able to cross through when you reach the edge of the map. In most areas the edge of the map is simply uncrossable mountains or ridges. In the desert-type maps the edge of the world tends to be a sandstorm that your companions will refuse to enter. I can’t count the amount of times I stopped while playing this game and said “wow.” The scenery is magical; truly.
The storyline is really great and has so much depth; it is also multi-faceted. On one hand, you have the rise of your pc; on the other you have this terrible antagonist that you don’t even know the identity of throughout the first portion of the game. Indeed, you are not even aware that there is an antagonist at the beginning of the game. Origins and DAII both had the capability of taking brutal, shocking twists in the personal life of the pc. There is plenty of room for these shocks in Inquisition as well. Much of the backstory of the world, the small details, build off of your exploits in Origins and DAII – I absolutely love this. I was never bored of the story, and I never found it predictable. I will say that I think players that are new to Dragon Age will miss out on much of the story if they have not played through the other Dragon Age games. As someone who is a fanatic of the first two, it is hard for me to say whether or not they would knowingly miss anything while playing Inquisition – any obvious “inside jokes” or confusing backstories. I cannot recommend playing through the first two before delving into this one enough.
As always, Dragon Age is full of lively and interesting allies – including some familiar faces. Varric, everyone’s favorite little buddy from DAII is back to fight at your side. Cullen and Lilianna, from both of the previous games, are allies – though non-playable ones. Oh; and hey; Morrigan! You’ll get to see her again as well! One of the most amazing things to me is that you get to interact with your previous pc’s! You’ll see Hawk again, and depending on the fate of your pc from Origins, you may have some minor interaction with him or her. There are, of course, the famous Dragon Age romances. Inquisition romances did not let me down, overall. I would love more reaction from other allies about the relationship. Also: WFT Solas! To avoid spoilers I won’t elaborate, but seriously: wtf?!
Overall, all of the anticipation that I had; all of the excited glimpses at the “making of” and sneak peek videos – were all completely validated. This game is amazing. It is beyond what I imagined it would be. It is worth a half a dozen play-throughs. If you are an RPG fan you will not be disappointed.
TL;DR: it is bloody amazing and if you haven’t been introduced to this rpg world yet go and get Origins and DA II and educate yo’self.
Since it is almost Valentine’s Day, I thought that I should flip through my poetry stash and find a holiday appropriate piece. The first one that I came across was Emerald Eyes, which I wrote sometime in 2010 or so. This was one of many poems that I jotted down while sitting in my husband’s pickup truck, waiting for him outside of one of the many retail stores that he used to work at. Emerald Eyes is quite different from many of my poems. I attempted to paint the scene of a bit of a scandal at a masked ball. I have always been somewhat obsessed with that scene from Labyrinth, when Jareth and Sarah are at the acid-tripp induced masked ball. That, paired with my embarrassing taste for historical romances, probably bore this little poem. Have a happy Valentine’s Day!
Relationship goals...
Emerald Eyes
It seems like just yesterday
You took my hand and asked me to dance.
I thought that you weren’t right for me
But I shrugged and gave it a chance.
You took my hand so gently
And led me to the ballroom floor.
Emerald eyes concealed by pomp and circumstance
What girl could ask for more?
A bow and a curtsey
And we were on our way.
Cheek to cheek; palm to palm
Oh how I wished I could stay!
Eventually all songs must end
And the ballroom doors must close.
I traveled home in my carriage
Listening to the mourning doves sing their woes.
Will I ever see you again?
My masked lover of the night?
Or will I only dream of you,
The one who made my heart take flight.
After our dance away from eyes that pry
You took away my flower
Who would think such gentle kisses,
Gentle thrusts, and gentle sighs hold so much power?
This is another one of those questions that is going to be
really difficult for me to answer because I still, while standing on the wrong
side of 30, have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. When I was a little
girl my stock answer was, “a veterinarian!” ; but as an adult I can say that
no, this is not for me. I love animals. I relate better to animals than I do
people for the most part. There is absolutely
no way that I can see myself euthanizing animals on a daily basis – sick and
elderly or not. My next thought was, “Maybe I should work in a zoo?”; but as an
adult I have some real reservations about the ethics of zoos in general. So
again, this is probably not something for me.
When I was a teenager I was certain that I was going to be a
mortician. I had plans to go to Delgado University in New Orleans. I can
remember riding up to the cemetery close to my house with a couple of my
friends wearing my cutest skirt and my most professional shoes. I asked the
mortician there for an internship and he suggested that I might come help him “hose
down” tables and clean up biohazards. He was fucking weird. He was exactly like
someone who spent too much time with dead people and inhaling formaldehyde
should be. Also, he was wearing a plastic apron and was missing fingers. I left
– quickly. No – this was not the job for me. I thought it sounded “cool” and I
thought that it sounded like the kind of profession someone who was going to
marry Peter Steele one day would be in. It turns out that I am neither cool nor
am I the bride of the (late and wonderful) Mr. Steele, and thus I am also not a
mortician.
My degree is Environmental Science – but what does that
usually equate to in the real world? Supervisors at water treatment plants; low
pay grade EPA workers; industrial environmental consultants…all things that
sound INCREDIBLY boring and depressing. I want the degree to mean, “protects
the environment and cares for animals”, but it is more like, “park ranger or
eventual corporate sell-out.”
I have seen internships that I would love to do. There was
one that was sitting in the jungle in South America (I forget exactly where,
but I want to say Peru), and documenting the activities of amazon parrots.
There was another one that was camping out in the wild in Africa (again, I cannot
quite remember where) and protecting elephants from poachers. I would love to
get a spot on that boat that sabotages the Japanese whalers. Alas, none of
these things equate to a career that can sustain my family.
I guess my dream job is to be suddenly wealthy and to be
able to devote all of my time to the causes that are important to me. I want to
be able to devote time and my skills to things that matter to me and, if all
else fails, throw an obscene amount of cash at the problem. I want my life to
have meaning. I guess, at this point in my life, I am starting to think that it
is too late to make a difference in anything. I wish I could start over. But,
as they say, “If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.” My point is, if you are young and (god help
you) reading this, get off of your ass and start working on your dreams now
because time is more finite than you can comprehend. Time, death, and the
general harshness of life are in pursuit of you, and they will never give up. Do
everything you can now to be the person you want to be when you grow up because
you are probably going to have to live with that person for a very long time.
I often write what I am calling "musings" for lack of a better term. I sit and write my thoughts in a somewhat flowery way without it being what I would call poetry. I have these little musings scribbled everywhere. For the sake of self-documentation, I am going to post them here. Be warned, they are typically even more maudlin than my actual "poetry."
Every morning I pass my reflection in the bathroom mirror
and I purposely avert my gaze. I know what I look like. I know the monster that
I'll see staring back at me. I know all I'll see reflected in that small,
dirty piece of glass. Grey eyes like stormclouds, red veins like lightning in
the whites of my eyes that hint towards not enough sleep and too many
nightmares. Dark circles on puffy cheeks. A red eyelid caused by an infection
that my body is too weak to fight off, even with medication. Cracked lips and frown lines; big pores and
that scar near my hairline. Chipped teeth and eyebrows that are long overdue. There was once beauty here. There was once
laughter and joy. For the briefest of time there was innocence. There was once a glossy smirk and a playful
wink here. There was once life here.
Oye, if depression had a monologue, this would certainly be in it.
Things have been pretty crazy over the past several weeks for me. I have wanted to write for quite some time but every time I sit down to do it I get distracted by the mountain of other things I need to do at that moment, which may or may not include Skyrim.
I have begun to go with my husband to his friend’s house once a week for what can only be described as ultimate nerdery. Table-top gaming FTW! I love my husband and I actually really like his friends, so I think that this is a good thing for me. I am thrilled that his best friend has been so accepting of me. I always assumed that he would meet me and be like “Dude; RUN!”, but so far he has not, so far as I can tell. I avoided meeting my husband’s friends for about nine years; mostly because I was terrified that they would not like me and I was ashamed of myself for the way that I look. Now that I have met them I don’t honestly think they care what I look like. I think that they are probably just glad that my husband is happy. I would actually like to get to know them all better, but I don’t want to seem too eager.
We were pre-myspace, but this was
essentially us.
Speaking of friendships; I have been communicating sporadically with my childhood best friend. It is, in a way bittersweet. I love talking to her. When she and I were younger we were absolutely inseparable. She was my everything. When we were about 16 she and I had a severe falling out and I, stubbornly and stupidly, pushed her out of my life and locked the door. When I talk to her it is wonderful because I still love her so much and I have found that I love who she is, not just who she was when we were young. It also hurts because I think of all of the years that we were apart. I think about how nobody will ever understand me the way that she and I understand one another. I think about all of the wasted years that I was alone and longing for someone to really, really listen to me. I missed out on 15 years of that because of my pride. Now we are together again, but we are not. I can feel the distance between us, the literal and figurative distance, and I fucking hate it. I wish that I could fix it but all I can do is give it what I didn’t give it before – time and love.
Let’s see; what else… I am on month two of my six month pre-op diet before weight-loss surgery. I am not sure if I have written about it before on here, but yeah. Gastric sleeve surgery. It is a pretty big decision and not one that I came to lightly. My health, my self-confidence, and my quality of life are all going to improve tremendously from this. Can I die from it? Yeah. But hell, I could die taking a shower. I want to be able to really live. I want to be one of those people who hikes to Machu Picchu
or swims with dolphins. I want to run. I want to feel like no one is snickering at me because I’m fat when I go to the grocery store. I want to look in the mirror and not hate what I see to the point of wishing for death. Losing weight won’t cure all of that, but I feel assured that it will assist me on that road.
In other news, my dog Addy (aka Khalessi ) resembles, in almost every way, a pot-bellied pig. She sounds like one, as well.
I will be updating with a real posting soon. Thanks for reading!
