Well, my intention was to post another piece of poetry up today, but upon looking through all of the ones that I have access to I just cannot decide on one. They all seem to be really depressing, and right now I need something that will make me smile. So, I think that the subject of today’s 30 Things post is perfect. I am often in a losing battle with negativity and depression, and one of the best ways to turn the tide of that battle is to remember what I have to be thankful for and what makes me smile.
1.My sweet husband
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| "Truuuue Looooooove" |
I am lucky enough to have found a really sweet guy who cares about and loves me for who I am. Our relationship is not perfect by any means. We fight and bicker about stupid shit pretty often, but we always say that we are sorry. We never go to bed angry. Through all of the hell that we have faced the past few years we can still look at one another and honestly say, “I love you”. No, my husband is not the type of guy that brings me flowers every day or writes me long, poetic love letters (anymore); but he is always happy to see me when he comes home from work. After a decade we still want to spend every single day together; we still hold hands every day; and we still kiss each other good night. My mental illnesses are enough to drive anyone away; in fact I intentionally drive people away - nearly everyone that I have ever loved…but not my husband. No matter how much I cry and scream and beg him to just let me go, to move on to someone who will make him happy and fulfill him, he just patiently waits for me to calm down and hugs me. He never leaves – that alone is a miracle. He, my husband, makes me very happy right now.
2.My animal friends
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| My gorgeous Shao |
I recently lost one of my pups. I plan on making a memorial post to her at some point; right now it stings a little too much. I do still have quite a few critters that make me smile on a daily basis. I have my husky Shao who has been my buddy for about 15 years. She is old and a little grumpy, but still sweet and funny. She, in the way that huskies do, talks to me. She howls and “wooooos” at me when she needs something or just wants attention. She whimpers and howls when I come home; even if I am only gone for 10 minutes. There is truly nothing like a cold wet nose and a wagging tail greeting you when you come home.
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| Sir Ash (for short) |
Sir Ash Fang Brandybuck-Took the Mousebane, High Lord of Second Breakfast, Magistrate of Brunch is my tubby, cuddly kitty. He is shaped in a way that looks very much like he swallowed a football. His fur is silky and ashen grey and he actually allows me to pet his big belly. Sir Ash chose us. He was a stray that I often saw roaming my neighborhood in Louisiana. One day I called to him and he enthusiastically ran to me and allowed me to pick him up. As someone who is not a huge fan of cats, this one is amazing. We also have a kitty named Falcore who is a bit of an ass, but I love him anyway. We adopted him earlier this year from the Humane Society.
I also have a pair of lovebirds that my husband got me on Valentine’s Day several years ago. They are a bonded pair; one yellow and one green. For months I waited excitedly for one of them to lay eggs. They made a nest and they were certainly, uhm….”loving” to one another. Sadly, after getting a DNA test, I learned that they would not be able to procreate because they are both males. I wondered if I should separate them. I bought an extra cage and did so and they just watched one another and tried to get to one another constantly. So, love won and they are now my alternative lifestyle lovebirds – and I am totally cool with that!
3.My sense of humor
One of the interesting things about life, particularly for people who have significant amounts of trauma, is how
it can strip your personality. I am aware of how much I have changed over the years. When I was a teenager I was pretty outgoing. As I mentioned before, I surrounded myself with friends and went to a lot of parties. As an adult I am reclusive as hell. I am in the slow, crawling part of recovery in which I am trying to reestablish who I am and reclaim the good parts of who I was (there was definitely some bad and destructive along with the good). Through all of bullshit I retained my sense of humor, and I am pretty damned proud of that. I can laugh at myself pretty easily. I can recognize the irony and the improbability of the situations that I have found myself in and find humor in them. I hope that, as I grow older, my laugh lines will stand in contrast to my frown lines. I hope that I will continue to be able to make people smile and laugh at my silly (and occasionally absurd) sense of humor.
4.The beautiful place I live
Every once in a while I have to really stop and take in that I am truly living in a paradise. I wake up to the
sound of Quaker parrots (this is considered a bad thing to native Floridians, but a great thing to me). There are palm trees and old Spanish architecture everywhere. When I ride across one of the bay bridges I can look down to see a pod of dolphins (or a few shark fins!), and watch the pelicans glide along beside the car, close enough to reach out and touch, before they crash into the bay below on their hunt. There are so many beaches here that one can typically find a spot away from the tourists to watch the waves ebb and flow. I love sitting in the sand and letting the waves gently wash over my legs, especially at night. The chill and salt of the sea air; the way the water roars when the waves break make me believe that Lord Poseidon could drag me to oblivion in the vast nothingness that is the ocean in the dark, and that I would be glad to go. There are tropical flowers that grow in my alleyway that smell like the bottled summer scents one finds at bath stores in strip malls. Everything is sweating, growing, and moving here. This is a good reminder to myself that I need to get out and see more – this place deserves to be seen.
5.The anticipation of good things to come
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| My future doctor...right? Riiiight? |
I know that things are changing for me, and that makes me VERY happy. I lived in extreme poverty for so long that I sometimes feel like I am dreaming now that we have a steady source of income. In the next couple of weeks I will be able to see a doctor. I know for most people that is not a big deal, but for me it is huge. I have not seen a doctor outside of an emergency room setting since 2003. 2003…..that’s eleven years, ya’ll. No one should have to go that long without medical care. I am sick; very sick, but I know that I will be getting medical help soon. It is such a relief to know that I will be able to go to the hospital if I am sick. Oh! AND I will be able to see a dentist and an optometrist! I will be able to get the basic shit that everyone in a rich country like America should have access to - astounding. Once my health begins to improve I hope that I will begin to be able to piece myself back together and move out of the deep, oppressive depression that has swallowed my life the past several years. There is a whole world out there and I want to see as much of it as possible.
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