I think that most people have the desire to travel back in time and right wrongs, or correct bad decisions that they have made. As a species we learn from our mistakes and, if you are like me, you have learned a copious amount of things over your years. I have learned some hard lessons that I would not change, but I can think of many situations that I clearly could have used some guidance in. The truth is, I probably had all of the guidance that I needed from my parents and my grandmother but like most teenagers I thought that I was smarter than they were. I thought that they could not possibly have a clue about what I was experiencing and that they were babes in the woods when I came to the way the worldreally works. This brings me to my first message that I would send to myself:
1.Your parents are not idiots – listen to them.
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| Fun fact: my Mamow watched this show with me. |
2.You are worthy of love.
Something that I will expand on at some point in my writing is my really terrible first marriage to a completely poisonous and abusive man. I married the first man that asked me, not because I loved him or was remotely attracted to him, but because I thought that no one else would have me. I thought that I had better settle for what I could find and the results of it were so damaging that even after ten years of being away from him I have still not fully recovered. I struggle daily with self-worth and self- love (or at the very least self-tolerance) and have for my entire life. Although I probably would not listen, I would love for 16 year old me to know that she is worth much more than she assumes.
3. Slow down.
Like many people my age I was in a hurry to grow up and be an adult. I was, in my own mind, an adult. I did adult things like have sex and drink so, in my mind, I had it figured out. All I needed was a job (and a car) which would not have been a bad thing at that time; but I was not ready to actually work for my money at that point. I was happy getting a small allowance from my parents each week and stealing whatever I thought I needed otherwise. I didn’t want to be a teenaged girl; I wanted to skip straight to being a working member of society.
4. Stop pretending that you are dumb.
I did this A LOT in school as well as with my friends. I think it started in elementary school – I became aware of what it was to be a nerd and I knew that I did not want to be that. I was chubby and there seemed to be nothing that I could do about that. I had an eating disorder by the age of 12 and exercised (sometimes militantly) to no real success, so I knew that I would be the fat kid no matter what. I decided that there was no way that I would be a nerd on top of that (just FYI – I was a nerd anyway. I think being a fat kid typically buys you a ticket into that group). Anyway, in 5th grade my class had to take what they called the LEAP test – it was a standardized test that you had to pass to get into middle school. I aced it – I mean I got a 100% (which was unusually good). My teacher, though well-meaning, touted my success to the class and from that moment I learned what it was to be “a smart kid”. The other kids began to (in my mind) judge me and dislike me because of my “smarts”, which is a ridiculous thought. I was socially awkward and a little different from other kids long before 5th grade for reasons that were of no fault of my own; but in my mind people didn't like me because I scored high on that test. I worked diligently over the next five years to prove that I wasn't very smart. I failed tests and entire classes on purpose so that people wouldn't think that I was smart before finally just dropping out after failing the 11th grade. I immediately tested for my GED after dropping out and scored within the 98th percentile of the state of Louisiana (which probably isn't saying much). I clearly remember the instructor who returned my score to me looking at the score sheet, then looking at me with confusion and asking “Why in the world did you drop out of school?”. I often wonder what my life would be like now had I applied myself and gone on to college young instead of waiting until my 30’s. 5. You are not the sum of your pain.
An idea that I struggle with even now is that all of the bad things that have happened to me do not define me. Rather, they will only define me if I allow them to. I need to learn that people that I meet don’t need to know what I have been through in order to like me. There is no positive social status that is attached to victim-hood except pity, which is not really a positive at all. I suppose that I thought if people pitied me they would allow me my eccentricities without judging me – this is both untrue and misguided. In the grand scheme of things I am my eccentricities – they are what sets me apart from other people – and I have no business looking for forgiveness for them. They are not something to be overlooked or explained away – they are just me. As long as I keep defining myself as a victim to other people I will be known as a victim, and I am more than that.
6. You will never be the Manic Pixie Dream Girl – so stop trying.
Manic Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG) is a fairly young term that is somewhat new to me, but sums up the person that I wanted to be during my teen-aged years succinctly. I wanted to be “unique” and bubbly; I wanted to be different and fun. Mostly, I wanted boys to love me and pursue me, as they are oft to do when there is a MPDG in a group. Although MPDG is a term used to describe an entertainment trope, art often imitates life and I can honestly say that I knew (or at least knew of) several MPDGs that traveled in and out of my social circles. I sooo badly wanted to be that girl. I, from time to time, took on some of the 90’s MPDG uniform – eclectic hippie-ish clothing, a little too much glittery eye shadow, and brightly dyed hair. I practiced giggling (no, for real). I made a point to mimic the MPDGs that I knew – I observed them “in the wild” – so to speak. It never felt authentic to me, though. I am not sure if that is 100% about me, or if it because the MPDGs that I knew were pretending as well. No; no matter how much sparkly makeup I owned or how many pairs of fairy wings I bought I still tended to default to pseudo-goth, or the nerdy girl, or maybe the metal chick.
As an aside on this, I realize that people (including myself) cannot truly be summed up by blanket terms like MPDG or goth. I cannot think of anyone who is as shallow and uninteresting as the persona or persona type that they project. These are labels that we create to help ourselves neatly sum people up. Also, if you are interested in reading more about the MPDG trope I suggest Jezebel and this great essay in which the author refers top this trope as the "Amazing Girl".
7. Cherish your true friends.
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| This image is supposed to be here ironically, I swear! ;) |
I had, what I would consider, a pretty large amount of people around me at all times when I was a teenager, especially for an introvert. I had maybe a dozen of what I would call actual friends and dozens more friendly acquaintances. It was strange for me because growing up I had exactly one friend. I met her one day (around age 6, I think) while playing alone in my grandmother’s back yard. She lived behind us and was out hanging up laundry. She and I became inseparable for many years. It was around this age (16) that I shoved her out of my life completely. It was a horrible thing to do and I have lived to regret it. In fact, over the years I have shoved nearly all of the people who have meant to most to me away. Some friendships have deteriorated over time in an organic way, but for the most part they ended in some destructive way because of me and my issues. I have tried, over the years, to mend these relationships but have found that they never really recover fully. I was truly lucky to have many true friends back then, but was equipped with too many destructive tendencies and not enough restraint to hold onto them.
8. Don’t worry; you’ll make it to 30.
I was *sure* at that age that I would be dead before I reached 30. I had led a fast and hard lifestyle. I was an alcoholic with liver damage at 14, I smoked my first cigarette when I was about 10, began consuming illegal drugs regularly at around 14 – on the path I was on life was sure to be short. But, one of the side effects of living all of this at such a young age for me was that I grew out of it quickly. In fact, by the time I was 18 I rarely drank and typically passed on drugs. I have trouble relaxing and having a drink now, and I think it is because I *always* drank to get completely trashed when I was younger. To me, there was no point in having a glass of wine or a beer or two – I wanted to DRINK. Anyway, for a while I lived my life in a way that assumed I would die young, which made me really unproductive during times that should have been me preparing for the future (joining the military, going to college, etc.).
9. Pursue your passions fervently.
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| Marrying Peter Steele was NOT a bad goal. |
I have had so many things in my life that I have been passionate about. At 16 I had plans for myself, though those plans changed pretty regularly. I wanted to be a Marine (for some reason) one week, and the next I wanted to move to NYC and be an artist. I thought about running away to Seattle and being a musician/poet, or going to LA and being an actress. I wanted to write novels, be a tattoo artist, learn to be a swing dancer, and be a veterinarian. I wanted to marry Peter Steele and learn to play guitar – be a makeup artist or a mortician. To 16 year old me I would say, “Yes, do all of that.” I found myself never believing in myself and, as a result, selling myself short on everything. I settled for a mediocre life early on when I could have done more – been more. I will always regret not doing more.
10. Actual love exists, and it is out there waiting for you.
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| This is my husband and I, with more adipose tissue and fewer little people. |
This is probably just an extension of #2, but I felt that it deserved its own distinction. When I was 16 I dated a man in his late thirties. I thought that I was truly in love, and in my own way I am sure that I was. He was many things that I thought I wanted. He had long hair, tattoos, piercings, and pretty eyes. He bought me Jack Daniels and told me I was pretty – these things, above all else, made me happy back then. I was getting positive attention from a man who I thought loved me. I had no idea that love was something that could be so complex. Respect, honesty, and loyalty were foreign things in romantic relationships for me. I had a short string of shitty relationships and a long list of one-sided crushes, but had never experienced love. I was in such a hurry for it! My mom gave me wind-up music box when I was about 14 that played “Someday My Prince Will Come” (ala Judy Garland) and it switched something “on” in me. She would often say that one day my “knight in shining armor” would come and sweep me away. As unhelpful as those types of platitudes are for a young girl to hear, I understand now what she was trying to get across to me, which brings me back to point #1.
Thanks for reading, or if it was tl/dr thanks for skimming, at least! =) Take it away, Ms. Garland...
Love Love Love LOVE
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