Thursday, July 31, 2014

Poetry Post #3 Divine Tragedy

I have a tendency to write short poems with the intention of revisiting them later, but never doing so. This poem is actually two short poems that were written around the same time and about the same stupid boy. I am not even going to get into the specifics of whom or what these poems were about, but suffice it to say that it is typical love triangle bullshit.  A “he loves her, but she loves him” situation that I think most people experience at least once in their young adult or teen lives before they figure out that they would be lucky to find one person who was willing to put up with their drama for any long-term time frame.

When you are young love seems different than it does when you are older; at least it did for me. Love was all about excitement and what a good friend of mine has called “grand gestures”. For me, love needed to be mystical and in all ways perfect. Love needed to always be exciting; it needed to hold a balance between familiarity and mystery. Love needed to face great tribulation and conquer it and then… well, I guess then it was supposed to be “happily ever-after”. It makes sense that I would hold love to these standards considering most of what I knew about romantic love was absorbed through movies, television, and books; a point I am fairly sure that I have made before.  I tried to follow the rom-com formula (please see the video at the bottom of the post for a funny and succinct summary of this formula) for love – meet an attractive guy, have a fun and quirky romance followed by some kind of drama, recover or reunite from said drama, and then… well, that’s the problem isn't it? Where do you go from happily ever-after? What is happily ever-after? How long does it exist? Why did it seem so boring? The tasty bit, to me, was always the courtship; I am willing to bet that there are many people who feel (or felt) the same way. It is a relief to have matured emotionally; I wonder what love will look like in another 15 years or so. Enjoy!

Divine Tragedy

My heart belongs to you
Who would never accept
Me the way that I am
But emotions run hot
When you feel all alone
Even with someone at your side
Sleeping, hugging a pillow
Wishing it were you
Dreaming you were he
Pretending that I am her
I guess we all want to be
Somewhere else
At the end of the day
But will you forget me?
And all that we could have been?
All that we were
And can’t be
And shouldn’t do
Because it can’t be right
And you give me up so easily
Divine tragedy
Our hearts meld naturally
And you've taken all of me
The destiny
That cruelly smites you and me
Will one day set me free
So that we may be
Together eternally
One day, you’ll see.





Thursday, July 24, 2014

5/30 What are the five things that make you the most happy right now?

Well, my intention was to post another piece of poetry up today, but upon looking through all of the ones that I have access to I just cannot decide on one. They all seem to be really depressing, and right now I need something that will make me smile. So, I think that the subject of today’s 30 Things post is perfect. I am often in a losing battle with negativity and depression, and one of the best ways to turn the tide of that battle is to remember what I have to be thankful for and what makes me smile.

1.My sweet husband

"Truuuue Looooooove"
I am lucky enough to have found a really sweet guy who cares about and loves me for who I am. Our relationship is not perfect by any means. We fight and bicker about stupid shit pretty often, but we always say that we are sorry. We never go to bed angry. Through all of the hell that we have faced the past few years we can still look at one another and honestly say, “I love you”.  No, my husband is not the type of guy that brings me flowers every day or writes me long, poetic love letters (anymore); but he is always happy to see me when he comes home from work. After a decade we still want to spend every single day together; we still hold hands every day; and we still kiss each other good night. My mental illnesses are enough to drive anyone away; in fact I intentionally drive people away - nearly everyone that I have ever loved…but not my husband. No matter how much I cry and scream and beg him to just let me go, to move on to someone who will make him happy and fulfill him, he just patiently waits for me to calm down and hugs me. He never leaves – that alone is a miracle. He, my husband, makes me very happy right now.

2.My animal friends

My gorgeous Shao
I recently lost one of my pups. I plan on making a memorial post to her at some point; right now it stings a little too much. I do still have quite a few critters that make me smile on a daily basis. I have my husky Shao who has been my buddy for about 15 years. She is old and a little grumpy, but still sweet and funny. She, in the way that huskies do, talks to me. She howls and “wooooos” at me when she needs something or just wants attention. She whimpers and howls when I come home; even if I am only gone for 10 minutes. There is truly nothing like a cold wet nose and a wagging tail greeting you when you come home.


Sir Ash (for short)
Sir Ash Fang Brandybuck-Took the Mousebane, High Lord of Second Breakfast, Magistrate of Brunch is my tubby, cuddly kitty. He is shaped in a way that looks very much like he swallowed a football. His fur is silky and ashen grey and he actually allows me to pet his big belly. Sir Ash chose us. He was a stray that I often saw roaming my neighborhood in Louisiana. One day I called to him and he enthusiastically ran to me and allowed me to pick him up. As someone who is not a huge fan of cats, this one is amazing. We also have a kitty named Falcore who is a bit of an ass, but I love him anyway. We adopted him earlier this year from the Humane Society.

I also have a pair of lovebirds that my husband got me on Valentine’s Day several years ago. They are a bonded pair; one yellow and one green. For months I waited excitedly for one of them to lay eggs. They made a nest and they were certainly, uhm….”loving” to one another. Sadly, after getting a DNA test, I learned that they would not be able to procreate because they are both males. I wondered if I should separate them. I bought an extra cage and did so and they just watched one another and tried to get to one another constantly. So, love won and they are now my alternative lifestyle lovebirds – and I am totally cool with that!

3.My sense of humor



One of the interesting things about life, particularly for people who have significant amounts of trauma, is how
it can strip your personality. I am aware of how much I have changed over the years. When I was a teenager I was pretty outgoing. As I mentioned before, I surrounded myself with friends and went to a lot of parties. As an adult I am reclusive as hell. I am in the slow, crawling part of recovery in which I am trying to reestablish who I am and reclaim the good parts of who I was (there was definitely some bad and destructive along with the good). Through all of bullshit I retained my sense of humor, and I am pretty damned proud of that. I can laugh at myself pretty easily. I can recognize the irony and the improbability of the situations that I have found myself in and find humor in them. I hope that, as I grow older, my laugh lines will stand in contrast to my frown lines. I hope that I will continue to be able to make people smile and laugh at my silly (and occasionally absurd) sense of humor.

4.The beautiful place I live

Every once in a while I have to really stop and take in that I am truly living in a paradise. I wake up to the
sound of Quaker parrots (this is considered a bad thing to native Floridians, but a great thing to me). There are palm trees and old Spanish architecture everywhere. When I ride across one of the bay bridges I can look down to see a pod of dolphins (or a few shark fins!), and watch the pelicans glide along beside the car, close enough to reach out and touch, before they crash into the bay below on their hunt. There are so many beaches here that one can typically find a spot away from the tourists to watch the waves ebb and flow. I love sitting in the sand and letting the waves gently wash over my legs, especially at night. The chill and salt of the sea air; the way the water roars when the waves break make me believe that Lord Poseidon could drag me to oblivion in the vast nothingness that is the ocean in the dark, and that I would be glad to go. There are tropical flowers that grow in my alleyway that smell like the bottled summer scents one finds at bath stores in strip malls. Everything is sweating, growing, and moving here. This is a good reminder to myself that I need to get out and see more – this place deserves to be seen.
Credit

5.The anticipation of good things to come

My future doctor...right? Riiiight?
I know that things are changing for me, and that makes me VERY happy. I lived in extreme poverty for so long that I sometimes feel like I am dreaming now that we have a steady source of income. In the next couple of weeks I will be able to see a doctor. I know for most people that is not a big deal, but for me it is huge. I have not seen a doctor outside of an emergency room setting since 2003. 2003…..that’s eleven years, ya’ll. No one should have to go that long without medical care. I am sick; very sick, but I know that I will be getting medical help soon. It is such a relief to know that I will be able to go to the hospital if I am sick. Oh! AND I will be able to see a dentist and an optometrist! I will be able to get the basic shit that everyone in a rich country like America should have access to - astounding. Once my health begins to improve I hope that I will begin to be able to piece myself back together and move out of the deep, oppressive depression that has swallowed my life the past several years. There is a whole world out there and I want to see as much of it as possible. 

30 Things






Friday, July 18, 2014

Nerd Rant #3 – Bioware Love

So, this is going to be my first *really* topical post. This is basically an overall review of the two major Bioware RPG series – Mass Effect and Dragon Age. I really have Dragon Age fever right now and am really excited about the new chapter of the series: Inquisitor, which is going to be released in October. With that said, if you care neither about video games or rpgs you probably want to skip this one – just giving fair warning before I fully geek out!


I got my very first video game system when I was about seven; a good ol’ regular Nintendo in which I played Super Mario Brother, Zelda, and little more. My brother always had the top of the line video games and video game systems so I would often sneak off to his room when he was not home (this was before I moved to my grandmothers permanently) and play his games. I liked video games then, as I liked games that I played on the Super Nintendo and the N64 in later years. But, I never found a game that *really* hooked me for hours on end until I rented Dragon Age: Origins from Game Fly several years ago for my Xbox 360. I have since played this game through at least 10 times from start to finish, and in fact I just finished a play-through about ten minutes before I began writing this blog post.

So, why all of the love for this particular game? I have (sadly) thought about this a lot. Now, the reason that this post is titled “Bioware Love” and not “Dragon Age Love” is that all of the following points can be said about the Mass Effect game series, except the game’s setting. In Mass Effect the overall setting is one of science fiction, while I would label Dragon Age as a fantasy setting.

That Beiber hair tho....
(From ME3)

Character customization

I have come to hate the type of game that gives you a character that is pre-created (which is most games). When you can customize the way your character looks (even a little) you can put more of yourself into the character and relate to it more easily than you would if it was a basic, cookie-cutter character. You see this type of customizations in RPGs, which is apparently the type of game that I like to play. In earlier years, I loved the Final Fantasy games; the storytelling was typically pretty great. What it lacked, to me, was the ability to really put myself in the role of the lead character. In these games you are the predefined character that the creaters designed, which (to me) is fairly boring.

Inclusiveness

This could, perhaps, be a subheading beneath “Character Customization”, but it is more than that. Bioware games (at least the two franchises that I am raving about) do not cast women as helpless bystanders. Women are multifaceted and capable of being leaders and warriors just as often (if not more commonly than) the typical female videogame tropes. While Bioware games do occasionally acknowledge sexism, it is not an
ongoing experience for your female character. Also, I love that Bioware understands that not all of its player are straight males. If you want your character to be a female warrior elf (this applies to Origins, not the human-only DA2, sadly) who happens to be a lesbian, that’s cool; DA has you covered. In the case of LBG in the games it is treated with normality in Mass Effect, and normalcy with limited hints at in-world bigotry in the Dragon Age series. Perhaps the best part of the way Bioware addresses LBG(excluding Trans here because, as far as I can remember, transsexualism is not touched upon in these games) in their games is by not making you define your character as such. Life is never black and white and some things, especially sexuality, can be difficult to define.

Custom tone/dialect

In DA: Origins your character really does not have a voice, but you have several text dialogue options that are typically quite varied. Snarky comments, sincerity, anger are all expressible. You are able to look at the
Isabela...always keepin' it
classy. 
situation and gauge how you would want your character to respond. Would your character be angry about a thief trying to steal his/her coin purse, or would your character be amused by it? In DA2 and in (I believe) all of the Mass Effect games you are able to hear your character’s response to the current conversation or situation. I am apt to have a smart-ass character that is often sarcastic and maybe a little obnoxious, but it is fun to see the different reactions NPC’s have to your character’s personality. In DA2 you do not have text dialogue options, but “tone” options. The more you choose a specific tone, the more your character’s personality is shaped by it. After playing through my typical “sarcastic/obnoxious” personality I tried out a virtuous personality for an additional play-through; many aspects of the story were quite different!

Medieval Fantasy World

I am a sucker for this type of setting – and Dragon Age really sets this tone right away in the title of the game
– “Dragon Age.” If you are the brand of nerd that I am – you love dragons, knights in shining armor, and the fantasy setting – Dragon Age would be a great choice for you. If you are a sci-fi nerd – a “spacer”, you may want to start with Mass Effect. In both games the world (or in Mass Effect the universe?) really feels HUGE. In DA Origins you are confined to the country of Fereldan, but you are aware of the vast world of Thedas. Indeed, many of your companions are from other parts of the world and their stories of home connect you to the larger world. DA2 feels a bit more confining as you are, for the most part, in one city throughout the game. DA2 had several missteps, but it is still a great RPG that is far more engaging than the typical. From what I have seen and read about Inquisitor, the world will be HUGE. I have read that just one map in Inquisitor will be larger than all of the maps combined in the other games.

Connectivity

Everything is connected in these games. The Mass Effect series follows the same character throughout three games and everything that you do is remembered from game to game. If you pissed someone off in the original ME you will likely run into them in ME2 or ME3 and they will not have forgotten.  Big events carry over and that is great, but for me it is the small details; the more obscure decisions that you may have made coming back to haunt you or reward you later in the series. Even though the stories follow different people (The Hero of Fereldan and the Champion of Kirkwall) in the Dragon Age series, they are still connected. You are able to import your character from Origins (and its dowloadable content) to DA2 and there are many “throwback” moments throughout DA2 that are affected by what your character did in Origins.

Non-linear storyline

I love the option of doing things in the order you feel is best. One of the things that always annoyed me about other RPGs is that your path is laid out for you; you are just going through the predetermined motions. I will admit that Dragon Age is not as open world, or even as vast as Skyrim. You cannot wander seamlessly from area to area in DA as you can in Skyrim, but it looks like that is changing in Inquisition. I am really excited to see what the developers have come up with!

Replayability

Because you have so many options in gameplay that effect the world and how other characters interact with you, both DA and ME series have huge replayability. For example, in DA Origins, after choosing your
Credit
character’s gender you choose his or her race – dwarf, elf, or human. Each race has a couple of background and class choices. If you were to choose human you would have the option of being a “circle mage” or a noble fighter or thief. As a dwarf you could be a noble or a criminal thief or fighter. The beginning of the game and many of the key events throughout the game change based on these choices.  A poverty stricken city-dwelling elf experiences things in his storyline that a human character does not, and the reverse is true as well. Finding out how all of these stories tied into the main plot kept me happy with this game for a really long time.

Oh… and Alistair

One of the really unique things about these games is the romance aspect. In Skyrim you can marry an NPC. They call you “dear” and make a neverending pot of stew for you. They watch your adopted children. This is
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
Credit
really about the extent of your relationship with your significant other. In DA and ME the relationship development is part of the story. You get to know your NPCs as friends and as romantic interests. The other NPC’s notice your blossoming relationship and (often) comment on it. I discovered all of this for the first time with the NPC Alistair in DA Origins. Alistair is funny, sweet, and a very close companion for the entirety of Origins. He does things like tell your character how beautiful she is and bring her flowers. He is so sugary sweet that it is almost too much. There is a *huge* Alistair fanbase; primarily made up of (sad, lonely) female gamers. In both series the romance options are varied and interesting for both genders, with the exception of the first Mass Effect in which male characters have two female love interest choices and female characters have one male and one female option.

Well, that’s it! Thanks for “listening” to me geek out. Are you a fan of these game series? Let me know what your favorite aspects of them are. Also, if you have a comparable series you can suggest let me know! I am always looking for a good RPG.

Monday, July 7, 2014

30 Things 4/30: List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could.

I think that most people have the desire to travel back in time and right wrongs, or correct bad decisions that they have made. As a species we learn from our mistakes and, if you are like me, you have learned a copious amount of things over your years. I have learned some hard lessons that I would not change, but I can think of many situations that I clearly could have used some guidance in. The truth is, I probably had all of the guidance that I needed from my parents and my grandmother but like most teenagers I thought that I was smarter than they were. I thought that they could not possibly have a clue about what I was experiencing and that they were babes in the woods when I came to the way the world
really works. This brings me to my first message that I would send to myself:

1.Your parents are not idiots – listen to them. 

Fun fact: my Mamow watched
this show with me. 
My grandmother was part of the “Greatest Generation”, and my mom was a Flower Child who experienced pain and difficulty the exact same way as I did. My dad is the toughest, most loyal man that I have ever known. They were a fountain of knowledge that was always willing, always eager to give advice and I was indifferent to the lessons I could have learned from them. Many of the financial and personal problems that I developed in my 20’s could have been avoided if I would have simply listened.



2.You are worthy of love.

Something that I will expand on at some point in my writing is my really terrible first marriage to a completely poisonous and abusive man. I married the first man that asked me, not because I loved him or was remotely attracted to him, but because I thought that no one else would have me. I thought that I had better settle for what I could find and the results of it were so damaging that even after ten years of being away from him I have still not fully recovered. I struggle daily with self-worth and self- love (or at the very least self-tolerance) and have for my entire life. Although I probably would not listen, I would love for 16 year old me to know that she is worth much more than she assumes. 

3. Slow down.

Like many people my age I was in a hurry to grow up and be an adult. I was, in my own mind, an adult. I did adult things like have sex and drink so, in my mind, I had it figured out. All I needed was a job (and a car) which would not have been a bad thing at that time; but I was not ready to actually work for my money at that point. I was happy getting a small allowance from my parents each week and stealing whatever I thought I needed otherwise. I didn’t want to be a teenaged girl; I wanted to skip straight to being a working member of society. 

4. Stop pretending that you are dumb.

I did this A LOT in school as well as with my friends. I think it started in elementary school – I became aware of what it was to be a nerd and I knew that I did not want to be that. I was chubby and there seemed to be nothing that I could do about that. I had an eating disorder by the age of 12 and exercised (sometimes militantly) to no real success, so I knew that I would be the fat kid no matter what. I decided that there was no way that I would be a nerd on top of that (just FYI – I was a nerd anyway. I think being a fat kid typically buys you a ticket into that group). Anyway, in 5th grade my class had to take what they called the LEAP test – it was a standardized test that you had to pass to get into middle school. I aced it – I mean I got a 100% (which was unusually good). My teacher, though well-meaning, touted my success to the class and from that moment I learned what it was to be “a smart kid”. The other kids began to (in my mind) judge me and dislike me because of my “smarts”, which is a ridiculous thought. I was socially awkward and a little different from other kids long before 5th grade for reasons that were of no fault of my own; but in my mind people didn't like me because I scored high on that test. I worked diligently over the next five years to prove that I wasn't very smart. I failed tests and entire classes on purpose so that people wouldn't think that I was smart before finally just dropping out after failing the 11th grade. I immediately tested for my GED after dropping out and scored within the 98th percentile of the state of Louisiana (which probably isn't saying much). I clearly remember the instructor who returned my score to me looking at the score sheet, then looking at me with confusion and asking “Why in the world did you drop out of school?”. I often wonder what my life would be like now had I applied myself and gone on to college young instead of waiting until my 30’s. 

5. You are not the sum of your pain. 

An idea that I struggle with even now is that all of the bad things that have happened to me do not define me. Rather, they will only define me if I allow them to. I need to learn that people that I meet don’t need to know what I have been through in order to like me. There is no positive social status that is attached to victim-hood except pity, which is not really a positive at all. I suppose that I thought if people pitied me they would allow me my eccentricities without judging me – this is both untrue and misguided. In the grand scheme of things I am my eccentricities – they are what sets me apart from other people – and I have no business looking for forgiveness for them.  They are not something to be overlooked or explained away – they are just me. As long as I keep defining myself as a victim to other people I will be known as a victim, and I am more than that. 

6. You will never be the Manic Pixie Dream Girl – so stop trying.

Manic Pixie Dream Girl (MPDG) is a fairly young term that is somewhat new to me, but sums up the person that I wanted to be during my teen-aged years succinctly. I wanted to be “unique” and bubbly; I wanted to be different and fun. Mostly, I wanted boys to love me and pursue me, as they are oft to do when there is a MPDG in a group. Although MPDG is a term used to describe an entertainment trope, art often imitates life and I can honestly say that I knew (or at least knew of) several MPDGs that traveled in and out of my social circles. I sooo badly wanted to be that girl. I, from time to time, took on some of the 90’s MPDG uniform – eclectic hippie-ish clothing, a little too much glittery eye shadow, and brightly dyed hair. I practiced giggling (no, for real). I made a point to mimic the MPDGs that I knew – I observed them “in the wild” – so to speak. It never felt authentic to me, though. I am not sure if that is 100% about me, or if it because the MPDGs that I knew were pretending as well. No; no matter how much sparkly makeup I owned or how many pairs of fairy wings I bought I still tended to default to pseudo-goth, or the nerdy girl, or maybe the metal chick.

As an aside on this, I realize that people (including myself) cannot truly be summed up by blanket terms like MPDG or goth. I cannot think of anyone who is as shallow and uninteresting as the persona or persona type that they project. These are labels that we create to help ourselves neatly sum people up. Also, if you are interested in reading more about the MPDG trope I suggest Jezebel and this great essay in which the author refers top this trope as the "Amazing Girl"

7. Cherish your true friends.

This image is supposed to be
here ironically, I swear! ;)
I had, what I would consider, a pretty large amount of people around me at all times when I was a teenager, especially for an introvert. I had maybe a dozen of what I would call actual friends and dozens more friendly acquaintances. It was strange for me because growing up I had exactly one friend. I met her one day (around age 6, I think) while playing alone in my grandmother’s back yard. She lived behind us and was out hanging up laundry. She and I became inseparable for many years. It was around this age (16) that I shoved her out of my life completely. It was a horrible thing to do and I have lived to regret it. In fact, over the years I have shoved nearly all of the people who have meant to most to me away. Some friendships have deteriorated over time in an organic way, but for the most part they ended in some destructive way because of me and my issues. I have tried, over the years, to mend these relationships but have found that they never really recover fully. I was truly lucky to have many true friends back then, but was equipped with too many destructive tendencies and not enough restraint to hold onto them. 

8. Don’t worry; you’ll make it to 30.

I was *sure* at that age that I would be dead before I reached 30. I had led a fast and hard lifestyle. I was an alcoholic with liver damage at 14, I smoked my first cigarette when I was about 10, began consuming illegal drugs regularly at around 14 – on the path I was on life was sure to be short. But, one of the side effects of living all of this at such a young age for me was that I grew out of it quickly. In fact, by the time I was 18 I rarely drank and typically passed on drugs. I have trouble relaxing and having a drink now, and I think it is because I *always* drank to get completely trashed when I was younger. To me, there was no point in having a glass of wine or a beer or two – I wanted to DRINK. Anyway, for a while I lived my life in a way that assumed I would die young, which made me really unproductive during times that should have been me preparing for the future (joining the military, going to college, etc.). 

9. Pursue your passions fervently. 

Marrying Peter Steele was
NOT a bad goal. 
I have had so many things in my life that I have been passionate about. At 16 I had plans for myself, though those plans changed pretty regularly. I wanted to be a Marine (for some reason) one week, and the next I wanted to move to NYC and be an artist. I thought about running away to Seattle and being a musician/poet, or going to LA and being an actress. I wanted to write novels, be a tattoo artist, learn to be a swing dancer, and be a veterinarian. I wanted to marry Peter Steele and learn to play guitar – be a makeup artist or a mortician. To 16 year old me I would say, “Yes, do all of that.” I found myself never believing in myself and, as a result, selling myself short on everything. I settled for a mediocre life early on when I could have done more – been more. I will always regret not doing more. 


10. Actual love exists, and it is out there waiting for you. 

This is my husband and I, with more adipose
tissue and fewer little people. 
This is probably just an extension of #2, but I felt that it deserved its own distinction. When I was 16 I dated a man in his late thirties. I thought that I was truly in love, and in my own way I am sure that I was. He was many things that I thought I wanted. He had long hair, tattoos, piercings, and pretty eyes. He bought me Jack Daniels and told me I was pretty – these things, above all else, made me happy back then. I was getting positive attention from a man who I thought loved me. I had no idea that love was something that could be so complex. Respect, honesty, and loyalty were foreign things in romantic relationships for me. I had a short string of shitty relationships and a long list of one-sided crushes, but had never experienced love. I was in such a hurry for it! My mom gave me wind-up music box when I was about 14 that played “Someday My Prince Will Come” (ala Judy Garland) and it switched something “on” in me. She would often say that one day my “knight in shining armor” would come and sweep me away. As unhelpful as those types of platitudes are for a young girl to hear, I understand now what she was trying to get across to me, which brings me back to point #1. 

Thanks for reading, or if it was tl/dr thanks for skimming, at least! =) Take it away, Ms. Garland...






Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Poetry Post #2 Hello Again

Phyllis Siegel and Connie Kopelov, 2011
Credit and story




Often, when I see a particularly powerful image or series of images I skip over the context and try to make up my own truth about what is going on in the image, or who the people are. I do this in my day to day life, as well – make up little biographies of people I see walking into Target or sitting at their table in Starbucks. 

Over the past several years I have seen MANY beautiful photos of gay and lesbian couples – young and old – tearfully saying their vows as marriage equally has slowly conquered state after state. I always cheer a little and sometimes shed tears of joy when I see these heartwarming photos. The ones that really clench me are not the attractive young couples, as happy as I am for them. No, the real tear-jerkers are the couples that have loved each other for decades despite social taboos and hateful prejudices. It is in this frame of mind that I wrote the following poem/song – looking over pictures of blissful couples, finally able to publicly declare their love after so many years. I hope you enjoy – and for those in states that have yet to realize marriage equality, stand strong – your time will come.

Hello Again(2011)



Hello again, it's me

It's so good to see your face

And how I've longed for your embrace

I'd hoped we'd meet again

So that I could call you friend

And leave the pain behind

So speak what's on your mind



Hello again, it's me

I'm so thankful for your call

I put your picture on my wall

How are the kids today?

And did they go outside to play?

Can we meet for coffee soon?

I'd love to play for you this tune.



La-la, la-la

La-la, la-la



Hello again, it's me

Let's reminisce in days of old

Now that the nights are growing cold

Do you know how I treasure this?

They say ignorance is bliss

But sometimes I wonder if

You know how my heart twists



La-la, la-la

La-la, la-la



Hello again, it's me

Thanks for meeting me again

I think it's time I confessed my sin

Oh, how I've loved you from afar

Baby, climb into my car

And let's drive away from here

Without a glimpse of the rear-view mirror



La-la, la-la

La-la, la-la



Hello again, it's me

Let's make our promise here

Where every soul we know will hear

And bear silent witness to

All the love I have for you

Or let me kiss you now

So your lips don't make a sound



La-la, la-la

La-la, la-la



Hello again, it's me

I'm at your bedside today

And no doctors taking me away

Just close your eyes, my dear

Death is nothing you have to fear

Just listen to me sigh

And never say goodbye



La-la, la-la

La-la, la-la



La-la, la-la

La-la, la-la

Lyon and Del Martin, 2008
Credit and Story